I Blame Diabetes

Last month my dad was in the hospital.  He had a heart attack (he's home and doing much better now).  The first day after he was admitted I went in to visit him.  He was really out of it, mostly sleeping and with an oxygen mask on.  His wrists were tied to the bed.  I guess he kept trying to take the oxygen mask off and pull at all the wires, tubes, and whatever else was attached to him.  It was really hard to see him like that.  This was the man who was always so strong.  The protector of our family.  Now so weak and helpless, and it was most likely because of diabetes.  He has had type 1 diabetes for 32 years now.  He has all of the complications you hear about coming with diabetes to one extent or another, and has had some close calls with lows before but his heart has always been in good shape. Seeing him like that made me so angry.  Not at him, or his doctors, or God, but diabetes. Why did he have to get this disease?  Why does it have to be so hard to manage?  Why does it hurt so many people in so many ways?


As I sat down to wait for him to wake up a family member said to me "this is why you have to take good care of your diabetes."  Really?! is all I was thinking.  Do you really have to say that out loud?!  Don't you know I have to fight to keep those thoughts out of my head when I see him like this?!  Reminding myself over and over that this is not my future.  That I can do this.  That I am doing this.  It's so hard to stay motivated and optimistic about diabetes and comments reminding me of the complications I may or may not experience in my lifetime  don't help.


I know they were trying to show that they care about me and my future, but geez!!!  You don't have to say it.  Because I'm already thinking it.  Every time I see a high number on my meter I'm thinking it.  I guess you really can't understand unless you live with it.  And all I could say was "Don't worry about me, I'm doing just fine." (see Kim's post on The Facade of Fine)


Will we ever get to a point where we stop blaming the person and start blaming diabetes? No one asks for diabetes and this thing is not easy.  I blame diabetes.